I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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