Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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