After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
