he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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