The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
