I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
