mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
