Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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