just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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