i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
