just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so let's talk penis.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
