So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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