I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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