nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Randomize
