The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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