I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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