someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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