I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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