well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize