For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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