You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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