You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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