and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
