Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
