I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize