Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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