mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize