dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
