I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
