why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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