My room smells like vodka and shame
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
