I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
