I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
he's gonorrhea incarnate
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
