you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
