ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
