Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
