You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
