The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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