Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
