2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
