i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
