I am in a vortex of obligation.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
