I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
