she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
