If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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