This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
