Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
