Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
