What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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