cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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