His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
