I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
