You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize