I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
