I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
