i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
