who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
