plz talk dirty to me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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