as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
