I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
