Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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