My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
