hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
