She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
