she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
