She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
